Apr 10, 2015

My Name is Mitt, Heavy Metal Oven Mitt. And I Am a Life Coach

Heavy Metal Oven Mitt
by John Magnet Bell
I want you to imagine sticking your hand, your beloved little hand, in an oven at nine billion Fahrenheit (250 Celsius or so) without protection of any kind, and pulling out a roasted bird carcass that you will deposit, say, on the kitchen table.

Wonderful. Now look at your hand and allow yourself to scream in horror for a couple of minutes at the soot-black chips that used to be your nails, and other unexpected marvels like the golden welts on the back of your hand. Which is the hand, which is the turkey?

Have you screamed to your heart’s content?

Awesome! Now, BEFORE you go and do something crazy like expose your uncooked flesh to searing temperatures, that’s where I come in.* My name is Mitt. Heavy Metal Oven Mitt. And I am a life coach.

Ever since I was poured into a mold and then united with my other half — which is to say, ever since the we became a me — I’ve felt this inclination to help people not get burned. In the kitchen, for sure. But also in life. So I’ve got a few pointers to share with you that only my experience as an oven mitt could provide. These will help you in your career, your love life and your spiritual path. Are you ready for enlightenment? Here we go.


1. You can’t un-cook a mess, but you can always make another meal.

My good friend Jean-Luc is a born diplomat and a philosopher. He is also the captain of a starship. Once, a sentient glob of tar on an alien planet ate his security officer. But did that stop Jean-Luc from engaging with the tar and proving to it that it led a pathetic, meaningless existence? No, it did not. Because life goes on and that tar ball had it coming. The security officer gets eaten alive, the malevolent tar gets pwned, everyone’s happy and see you next week.

2. Revenge is best served cold, but that does not make it a salad

One other friend of mine, Conan, lost everything as a child. Everything. Mom, dad, a house, his pet reindeer. Can you grasp the sheer madness of it? How angry it made him? He was but a child!

Today, not only has Conan achieved his revenge but he also sits on a royal throne and still makes time to host a TV show.

How does he manage? The answer is simpler than you might have imagined.
One, focus! Conan is known for his relentless focus. He wants one thing, and only one thing at a time. Revenge, nothing but revenge. The historical drama Conan the Barbarian is a paean to the art of payback. What this means for you is, if you want something, you should think of that thing and that thing alone, 24/7, 366 days a year, like I can’t keep from thinking about heavy metal and high temperatures. But in my mind I really don’t separate the two.

Two, he got what he wanted. Kicking the shit out of the wizard who burnt down his village and killed his parents brought him peace of mind.

Three, being two different people makes it all easier! If you can pull off this trick — and believe me, I know you have it in you — there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.

3. If at first you don’t succeed, puree the odds.

Another great friend of mine, Wayne, lost his parents at the age of eight or nine. So with the trauma and all, he did what any eight or nine-year-old would do; he decided to think big.

He explored the world, put himself in harm’s way a thousand times, and familiarized himself with the feeling of getting your face punched several times a day. Until… Finally… He learned to give as good as he got. It’s that 10,000-hour thing.

But that was not enough for Wayne! He wanted to rise above the level of a barroom brawler, because you’ve already got loads of people throwing punches for a living, so he went into performance art. He turned violence into theater — a radical kind of theater where he demands volunteers from the audience and beats them to a bloody pulp.

People love him for it. Heck, they even made eight biopics about Wayne, not counting this upcoming movie that shall portray Wayne’s ultimate triumph: kicking a god in the nuts.

NOTES
* Feel free not to stick your other hand in the oven.

POST-SCRIPTUM

I wouldn't be any good as a heavy metal life coach if I didn't sign off with a couple of inspirational tunes! Enjoy these classic favorites -- or I'll sic Conan, Wayne and Picard on you!



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