Apr 24, 2015

6 Best Ways to Stop Being a Platypus

1. Don’t be a platypus.

2. Be some other animal, like a pink fairy armadillo.

3. Buy a one-way ticket to planet Platypus; over there, nobody thinks of themselves as platypuses. Only as people. You will by definition cease to be a platypus.

4. Try Species Conversion Surgery. Ex-platypuses make pretty good ducks.

5. Become wood. Easier said than done, I know, but once you become wood, you will no longer be a platypus.

6. Decide whether you are a duck or a beaver. Stick with your decision.

Math by Tensographics
on society6


APPENDIX 1:
FUN FACTS ABOUT PLATYPUSES

They are venomous.
They wear tuxedos when you are not looking.
They travel at the speed of light when they sneeze. Usually in a circle. A very small circle. If ever you see a fast blurry circle in a pond, it may be a sneezing platypus.

APPENDIX 2:
AN ABORIGINAL POEM ABOUT PLATYPUSES from 2000 BCE

The platypus went to the sun and said,
I want to swim, but you have dried up all the water.
The sun said, go and complain to the moon.

The platypus went to the moon and said,
I want to swim, but the sun has dried up all the water.
The moon said, go and complain to the sun.

The platypus went to his people and said,
The sun and the moon don't care about our plight.
So they rose up against the moon and the sun.

From the sun they squeezed
all the orange juice they could
and from the moon they wrung
all the gasoline they could.

They built a spaceship from the bones of the sun
and made furniture for it, from the bones of the moon.
They traveled twenty percent of an Eon
and came to this place we call Earth.

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