Aug 1, 2014

Excitable Chicken vs Metaphor Man

They say that the god Priapus created her after a night of drunken revelry. They are wrong. They are almost always wrong.
— Joubert de Montignac*, regional financial comptroller for the Swedish mafia

Excitable Chicken perches on a stone gargoyle and surveys the city she has sworn to protect. Six blocks away an explosion drowns out the traffic, and a column of black smoke worms up into the clouds.

Let the fire crews handle that.

But oh. The smoke has a face.

A white leghorn.

Originally, I intended to have Excitable Chicken be a secret agent, rather than a superhero. But -- do those have to work as mutually exclusive categories? Just look at Black Widow.

Speaking of secret and not-so-secret agents: I bet you didn’t know that there was a James Bond between Sean Connery and Sean Connery. “What do you mean?” I hear you ask. “That doesn’t even make sense,” you say. And you’d be right, so let me explain.

In 1968, producer Albert R. Broccoli met one George Lazenby at his barber, and shortly afterwards gave him a chance to audition for the role of Bond. Lazenby got the part when he accidentally punched a professional wrestler in the face and impressed Broccoli with his ability to come off as a sexy face-puncher. Everyone believed women would melt when they saw Lazenby on screen.

Artistic interpretation of melting.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (OHMSS) came out in 1969. It’s the only movie where James Bond gets married, and, as surely as the moon smells of Gruyere, James’s bride gets killed on the drive to their honeymoon suite because, hey, there is no “Bond” in “marriage.” Can you imagine 007, that force of wanton property destruction, sipping afternoon tea while his 4-year-old builds a functional ballista out of DUPLO bricks? No? Neither can I.

The moon.

Although OHMSS didn’t perform quite as well as the previous Bond movie, it did make some decent money at the box office, despite an overall lack of brilliance. Suffice it to say that it doesn’t feature any space walks, pygmies or people in clown makeup.

Sean Connery would return for Diamonds Are Forever, where he engages in a long-winded battle against critics and the laws of probability, coming out on the losing side — or the winning side, depending on how forgiving you feel.

"Melting Woman" by Leon Alegria.

 Moon photo: "FullMoon2010" by Gregory H. Revera - Own work. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons 

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