Jun 27, 2014

Three Exotic Diseases You Can Only Get on Weekends


Don’t look now, but you have a parrot on your shoulder. You may be coming down with pirate fever.


Boppy Erlandsdottir claimed the elves had infected her with hopping sickness because she once went camping and had to relieve herself in the bushes, her bodily fluids staining a pebble of great value to the supernatural inhabitants of the place. Now Boppy can’t walk anymore — she hops from place to place, kind of like a bird. It’s exhausting.


Thomas McDougal, renowned preacher of the Stainsbury Church of Godly Renewal, nearly succumbed to purple dyspepsia at the age of nine. On discovering blueberries, plums and other purplish foods would fatally clog his digestive system, he received a heavenly vision in the shape of a woman with feathers for hair.

And the vision said:
God hates smokers, single women, black women, feminist men, babies of socialist parents, people who drive on the left, especially the Japanese, and people who can’t stand the sight of raccoons getting their freak on. Go now and spread the good news of his love for everybody else and preach to the impious that they may see the light and one day join the ranks of the blessed. If they start repenting now they could maybe apply for janitorial positions and the like. We’re understaffed up there.

by Mark Facey

Doesn't it look like a fun germ to hang out with? Bet it likes beer.

No comments:

Post a Comment