Apr 11, 2014

Spontaneous Time Travel Is Worse than Spontaneous Human Combustion Somehow


Sully Abramowitz walked out of his “time machine” intent on killing his grandfather, only to become his great-grandfather. It goes something like this:

Nobody has ever traveled back in time. There’s a gatekeeper — one of his names is Aglamethorvderigzd, and I swear that’s the easiest one to pronounce — a gatekeeper with an inhuman sense of humor (inhuman perforce) who takes pleasure in routing travelers to alternate realms where time simply hasn’t caught up with the travelers’ home dimension.

To keep up with the demands of its job as time travel overseer, Aglamethorvderigzd possesses eighteen hundred dedicated brains.

Sully Abramowitz never got to test the Grandfather Paradox.


Amsterdam DJ da br00t gets a peculiar superpower from drinking blackberry vodka: time moves much, much slower and, if he concentrates, he can revisit certain moments of his childhood.

He can’t figure out why these arctic foxes follow him around in his “astral journeys,” though, or why their number keeps growing.


Flora’s left hand is slightly out of phase with the rest of her life. It either exists a couple of minutes ahead of time, or a couple of minutes behind.

She never knows which version of her hand she’s looking at: the one stranded in the past or the one that’s yet to be. This turns common daily tasks such as typing or washing her hands into a complex guessing game. Flora may stand by the washbasin and her left hand may have left for the office cubicle already, or still tarry at the keyboard, struggling with the remainder of a sentence, perhaps entering duplicate data into a form, maybe even clicking a submit button twice and starting a small revolution in the office.

by Miranda Meeks

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