Nov 27, 2013

Three Unusual Instruments of Horrifying Death

in Reverse Alphabetical Order


Strontium Cavalier, M.D.

to the faint of heart
Ladies of Gentle Disposition
And children under 34

The following narrative contains GRAPHIC VIOLENCE
No nudity, but
Well, at least there’s VIOLENCE
VIOLENCE, do you understand?
Like fisticuffs and garroting and maybe tentacle porn
(Warning: there may be no tentacle porn)


W is for Watermelon

Ms Appalachia Dove, formerly a possum tamer for the Miniature Circus of Beijing in Romania –

Because miniature circuses exist, and this man is the president of them.

Just kidding, that's Harold Tibbals.

mashed her employer to death using a pair of jubilees.*

T is for Toothbrush

Jameson Spenser-Birkenau IV, of Wubbsleigh Drive (corner of St. Pancras and the Oxfam Knitting Emporium), Southern Lancashire, jammed his toothbrush so far up his nose that it did not see the light of day for another 65 years.

When he finally sneezed it out after lunch, nobody took notice; everyone went for naps under the dutiful watch of their kindergarten teacher; Jameson thereafter made several careers for himself as a prominent man of letters, a nasal mucus farmer and an arctic explorer in the Antarctic. He died in his bed, blissfully unaware that he’d been dead for the past century and a half.

F is for Frozen Peas

Harvey Garvey, 24, slipped on frozen peas that had rolled down the grocery aisle from a ruptured bag. Harvey fell and hit his head, sued the store, secured six thousand bucks and a lifetime supply of frozen peas, went home, cooked his dinner, ate his dinner, and never left the table again.

Doesn't it just kill you, not to know what happened? Eh? Doesn't it?

*Jubilee watermelons may weigh up to 45 pounds when ripe.

This is not a parody of those Final Destination movies. I have seen them all and they are quite excellent, especially the one with Mary Elizabeth Winstead in it. She’s cute.

And by “quite excellent” I mean nothing of the sort.

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