Nov 14, 2013

4 Completely Useless Mutant Powers for your "Useless Mutant Power" File

What’s the difference between a skill and a handicap? Duck feet on land are a handicap; on water, the duck is king among paddle-footed waterfowl. Unless you count pelicans as waterfowl. But pelicans are assholes, so let’s not.

Speaking of waterfowl, have you ever taken the time to read J.M. Hurle’s and M. Fernandez Teran’s outstanding scientific paper, “Fine structure of the interdigital membranes during the morphogenesis of the webbed foot of the duck embryo”? That all-time classic from the two most brilliant minds at the University of Santander in Spain? Well, if you have, bully for you, because I haven't.

But gods, what a shitty introduction. I’d best stop rambling and just give you the four useless mutant powers you asked for. And include a few choice words about the poor people afflicted with said powers, of course.

by Cheryl Francis

Lucas the Ram-fist

Purely a misnomer. This poor guy has sheep for hands, not rams; in short, he punches evil in the face with fluffy black-faced ewes. As you can imagine, his crime-fighting career is less than stellar.


She brings dead jazz musicians to life when she sneezes. Her power only works when she’s down with the flu. Most of the time she brings back Coleman Hawkins, and she doesn’t even like tenor saxophone.

Prophet of the Past

Oh, Edward can see into the future, that he can. But! Alas! Zoot! And dang. His future is our past. You see, Edward travels back in time. You think he’s coming, but he’s actually going. As a result, every word comes out of his mouth backwards, tail first.

Pineapple Woman

Everything she touches turns to canned pineapple. She never has to go hungry. On the downside, all her would-be boyfriends now sit in her pantry, changed into inanimate cylinders. The fruity goodness inside provides little consolation.

or Coda
or Whatever they call these things that aren't exactly post-scripta

Society6 is running a promotion until November 17, ending at midnight Pacific Time. Click here and you get free shipping on my art prints, postcards, phone cases, laptop skins and t-shirts.

I've been taking pictures and photoshopping like crazy. Here's some of my recent work -- you can wear it on your body, spiffy up your phone, beautify your walls --

Bridges to Portland - St. Johns - on a Warm October Evening
© John Magnet Bell

Cherub Under the Microscope: Two
© John Magnet Bell

New World Hypostasis: One
© John Magnet Bell

Last but not least, I'll sign off with music for people with less-than-convenient mutant powers. (Don't drink and drive, kids. You might wake up with sheep for hands on the following morning.)

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