Sep 26, 2013

Four Imaginary Drinks for Super-Villains

Villains are people too, you know? They eat, drink, defecate, just like you and me. A good villain (and by that I mean competent and fully realized, not kind-hearted) has depth – has wants – likes and dislikes – in short, it helps to know as much as you can about the villain in your story.

For example, does he like to scratch his ass in public? Does she tie up her victims and read excerpts of 50 Shades to them? Does he collect spittoons?

Illustration by Ashton Dame

Point is, we all have quirks. And villains being people, they will have quirks of their own. While quirks do not make the man or the woman, you can sure use them to flesh out a character. So, for your benefit and reading pleasure, I give you four definitely quirky drinks you can use in your fanciful fiction.

Backbone Latte

Sweet cream, cerebrospinal fluid and ground-up vertebrae. Enjoyed by Gurgledozer, who likes to kick back with a glass of it after a busy, busy day gurgling concrete and steel. It does wonders for his sore throat.

Cannibal Frappé

Cherry tomatoes, gooseberry juice, whipped cream and liquefied hearts. Preferably human hearts. Enjoyed by Draculina, lovechild of Count Dracula and a RealDoll. Draculina’s superpowers include telepathy, levitation, and a strange form of clairvoyance: she always knows who’s going to win the lottery in parallel universes. As she cannot travel between universes, it is a useless superpower. Not to mention a little frustrating.

Blaze of Glory

Iodine, moonshine and a touch of lighter fluid. Set alight. Enjoyed by Cody Wilkins, professional arsonist and hobbyist pyromaniac. (He does what he loves, loves what he does.) Originally a rocket scientist (janitor at NASA), the seriously unappreciated Cody came up with the fiery cocktail as a life termination aid, but instead of killing him, the Blaze of Glory gave him superpowers. Wilkins can now set fire to stuff with his mind as long as he drinks one Blaze a day. Serving the Colombian Happiness Industry as combustion expert (firebug), Cody finds his skills in high demand. All because he tried to kill himself one day, but the gods of destiny intervened. Go figure.

Audionauts helmet design by Mike Kim

Pig Newton

Swine tears, gravity, and triple-distilled essence of classical mechanics. Enjoyed by Qandalzuuatr, mass-murdering dodecapus CFO of Drexel & Drexel Creative Killing Solutions Inc. PLC LTD MLTDmnsl GmBH AUGH CCcP.
Qandalzuuatr, who is also part fungus, and therefore gifted with eighteen separate genders, has a pig newton for breakfast every day. Sometimes he time travels ten minutes back in time so he can join himself for breakfast and have two pig newtons. How extravagant.
Q’s crimes include eating the souls of all human beings living beyond the Kuiper belt; shitting them out as twinkies; and turning all the cats on Earth into a single, giant cat.

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