Aug 11, 2013

69 Ways to Reinvent Zombies

Walking Undo/ead
by Madkobra

Part One of Many*

1. Zombies are spontaneous-generation clones.

You know that we shed skin cells every day, right? So imagine that undead clones of you start growing from the skin cells that you divest. And you'd spawn, shall we say, around four clones a week. No telling where they might show up. It's a bit like the lottery, except the prize would like to eat you raw.

We're talking the biggest zombie apocalypse ever.

2. You are the zombie.

No, no, bear with me. Instead of going full brain-gobbler at once, you alternate between moments of lucidity and flesh-devouring insanity. The, ahem, mood swings could be determined by the phases of the moon or something.

3. Lego zombies!

Let me explain how that works. In this scenario, it doesn't do you any good to chop a zombie's limbs off. Zombies can take just any body part and plug it into an available joint or socket, so... they're not made of plastic.

This allows for the creative combination of body parts, and in fact the 2008 movie Splinter has explored that possibility. If you're familiar with Splinter, you might argue that it does not feature actual zombies. Well... I'm fine with that. Shall we move on?

4. You are the zombie (again).

A pharmaceutical company which puts profit before people brings to market this miraculous, brand new anti-aging drug. It seems to work and everybody's happy for a while. However! Ah! Gods be damned! If you take it with MDMA, you start thinking and acting like a zombie. A young, plus-optimal zombie.

Not much thinking involved.

Zombie Meal
by Benjamin Castle

5. One night after dinner, everyone over 16 decides to have sex.

People without sex partners do it with furniture — pets — Barbies — Cadillacs — you name it. Much bloodshed ensues. At six in the morning, nobody remembers the horrors of the previous night. The sun rises over a red landscape of maimed naked people stuck in escalators and revolving doors. Still flailing about and trying to have sex with everything

6. The dead rise again as human-shaped clods of dirt.

When they catch you, they lock you in a bear hug and aggressively quote Dylan Thomas until you beg for mercy. No longer equipped with human teeth, they contaminate you by forcing humus down your throat.

Detail from Mathilde Roussel's installation,
Lives of Grass 

69 is a really big number, so I thought I'd go easy on you and dole out my brilliant essay in easily digestible chunks. I fear that unmitigated exposure to the shining rays of my genius might perturb your digestion. Stay tuned for the next installment! It's free!


*Written to the turgid sound of The Fleshland by Coffins, Japan's #666 death metal crew. With song titles like "Dishuman" or "Tormentopia", how could you possibly cut a bad record?

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