Oct 26, 2012

Five Fantasy Races to Round Out Your Bestiary

Art by Dennis Pomales

Unholy Rat-Men of Yorgos

When the unholy rat-men of Yorgos stole the Chalice of Deception from the fanged leech-women of the Iridescent Plain, a war broke out between the two tribes.

A war waged on the near-infinite expanse of a coffee stain on my morning paper.

To the minute people that live there, the stain is cosmos. Eternal and unchanging. To me it is a couple of minutes old. By the time I dispose of the newspaper, the war will have ended and the coffee-stain universe will have reached its entropic death.

Simpering Mole People of the Brandywine Warrens

Whining is their secret weapon. They resemble large hairless scrota with trunk-like noses and hide their locomotive limbs under folds of flesh that smell like blue cheese.

They weep a lot. They weep at weddings and funerals. They weep at good and bad news alike. They weep for the sake of weeping. Microscopic albino aphids find their sugary tears irresistible.

Bisexual Lizard Folk of the Salacian Range

Infamous throughout the Reticulan Domain for their orgiastic rites, where everyone gets nasty with everybody and everything.

Said rites usually end up with a pod of young Lizard People on seven kinds of drugs hijacking a spaceship and blasting off into uncharted space. Some have even ended up on Earth, where they amuse themselves by writing episodes of The Client List and impersonating famous right-wing politicians. 

The Stone-Faced Prawkers of Glix

Prawkers are an extremely long-lived race. Wise old Gammanouche, chronicler of unusual facts in and around the Draconis system, attributes Prawker longevity to the fact that they only budge from their nests every nine solar years, in order to mate -- thus storing and conserving extraordinary amounts of energy as they contemplate the passing of the seasons.

Prawkers don't even close their eyes to sleep, which is all the good, as the average adult possesses forty-seven of them.   

Splendiferous Sybarites of Hauptmann 92

By some curious galactic process affecting local conditions, Hauptmann 92 looks almost exactly like Earth, and its dominant sentient life form resembles human beings in almost every way, except that all members of the species are born with a rubber forehead which they must keep on for life. For that very reason, a third gender has emerged among them: female in outward appearance, the people of that gender do not give birth to babies but to makeup kits and spare rubber foreheads. All successful marriages must now include at least three people of 3 distinct genders. Same-sex marriages are frowned upon, for fear of displeasing the Invisible Audience.

The Invisible Audience is a hypothetical entity that surveys life on Hauptmann 92 through some kind of mysterious screen. It is said that when the Invisible Audience grows bored with the Hauptmannese it will "turn off" the screen and plunge the universe in darkness.

On Hauptmann 92 there is a single, global culture and a single spoken language which sounds a lot like English. Again, this is due to some curious galactic process affecting local conditions.

Hauptmannese society has long since dealt with problems like corruption, famine, poverty and disease; everybody devotes his or her life to the pursuit of pleasure. Government is handled by a small cadre of workaholics with no real authority. Working in government is considered a form of occupational therapy, as most laws, acts and decrees have no real-life application whatsoever.

(Unless they provide a source of drama.)

All critical systems are handled by machines. When said machines break down, other machines repair them and when those machines break down they repair themselves. When people break down they too get repaired by machines.

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